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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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a few months ago, I think I posted this on the old board. We recently bought a house and needed a few thing :

 

Wife "Do we have enough money to buy a tooth brush holder?

me with a very confused look on my face "A what?

Wife "A tooth brush holder?"

Me "Like the plastic cup thing that holds tooth bushes in our bathroom. That Costs like $3"

Her "yes"

me " Please don't ask me every time you want to spend $3. We're not destitute, just buy the damn thing"

 

Couple of days later I notice there is a mason jar there.

me "Why is there a mason jar here? I thought you were going to buy a tooth brush holder?"

Her "I figured we could save the $3 and use something we already had."

 

That's fine and all, I don't really give a shit where we put them. Fast forward to this morning:

 

Me : " Why is my toothbrush in a Dickey's cup?"

Her "I didn't know if we had the budget for a toothbrush holder this month"

Me "Really, How much did spend on really bad BBQ???"

 

 

 

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21 hours ago, EE2B said:

My wife was walking our five year old across the street and ran across a dead snake in the driveway. She told me that she had found a snake and I needed to come look. I grab a small shovel and head out to the end of the drive. When I got out there I found a baby snake that was obviously dead. She walks up and I ask her what she wanted me to do. She replied “Kill it.”  I said “It’s already dead. “ She looked me dead in the eye and said “Kill it some more.” 

 

My neighbor once asked me to kill an obviously already dead snake once so this hits close to home.  She also had me come kill a snake that was pretty obvious to me was a long leaf blowing up against the fence.  She's a widow so I guess that doesn't belong here...

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1 hour ago, Jameslaw121 said:

a few months ago, I think I posted this on the old board. We recently bought a house and needed a few thing :

 

Wife "Do we have enough money to buy a tooth brush holder?

me with a very confused look on my face "A what?

Wife "A tooth brush holder?"

Me "Like the plastic cup thing that holds tooth bushes in our bathroom. That Costs like $3"

Her "yes"

me " Please don't ask me every time you want to spend $3. We're not destitute, just buy the damn thing"

 

Couple of days later I notice there is a mason jar there.

me "Why is there a mason jar here? I thought you were going to buy a tooth brush holder?"

Her "I figured we could save the $3 and use something we already had."

 

That's fine and all, I don't really give a shit where we put them. Fast forward to this morning:

 

Me : " Why is my toothbrush in a Dickey's cup?"

Her "I didn't know if we had the budget for a toothbrush holder this month"

Me "Really, How much did spend on really bad BBQ???"

 

 

 

I should introduce you to my wife. You will understand the benefits to the above conversation with your wife then.

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My wife and I were both home at lunch which rarely happens. I’m rummaging in the fridge and see two leftover hamburger patties from about 3 days ago, which is about the expiration date for leftovers for everyone at my house but me. 

Me - hey do you want me to heat you up one of these burgers? 

Her - no I'll have something else

I heat up both burgers because they’re pretty small and throw them on one bun

Not 5 minutes later, and as I’m just about halfway through with the burger, I hear her looking in the fridge 

Her - are you eating both patties?

Me - MOTHER fffffffff

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My wife does this, as did my sister (RIP):

When we are in separate vehicles, and I’m leading her somewhere, she drives like her engine is in limp mode. I’m constantly having to slow down or even pull over so she doesn’t get caught by traffic lights or lose sight of me. But, if she’s leading me somewhere, she drives like a bat-outta-hell crazy woman.

Either way, I think she’s trying to lose me. 

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11 hours ago, PantsTent said:

My neighbor once asked me to kill an obviously already dead snake once so this hits close to home.  She also had me come kill a snake that was pretty obvious to me was a long leaf blowing up against the fence.  She's a widow so I guess that doesn't belong here...

This is how the stories in Penthouse Forum begin.....

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13 hours ago, PantsTent said:

My neighbor once asked me to kill an obviously already dead snake once so this hits close to home.  She also had me come kill a snake that was pretty obvious to me was a long leaf blowing up against the fence.  She's a widow so I guess that doesn't belong here...

Bow chika bow chika bow...

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13 hours ago, PantsTent said:

My neighbor once asked me to kill an obviously already dead snake once so this hits close to home.  She also had me come kill a snake that was pretty obvious to me was a long leaf blowing up against the fence.  She's a widow so I guess that doesn't belong here...

and.......now we know the rest of the story

 

Image result for paul harvey

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Mine has to host a luncheon and was doing a test run on a recipe - something passed down on a hand written note card so no indications how much one recipe served.

She made the test batch and then was going to plate it up to see how many it would serve so she could extrapolate for the party.

I come home and there are 16 dirty paper plates in the trash ( I had to count them)- she put a serving on each plate to count it out instead of just spooning a serving on a single plate and then putting that serving into a bowl until she ran out....a bowl I might add that was destined to hold it all in the fridge anyway once she emptied all 16 plates into it after the cooking-calculus was done.

I'm just glad I came home after and didn't walk into a kitchen with paper plates spread all over it - probably saved me from *tone after.  

 

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20 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

a few months ago, I think I posted this on the old board. We recently bought a house and needed a few thing :

 

Wife "Do we have enough money to buy a tooth brush holder?

me with a very confused look on my face "A what?

Wife "A tooth brush holder?"

Me "Like the plastic cup thing that holds tooth bushes in our bathroom. That Costs like $3"

Her "yes"

me " Please don't ask me every time you want to spend $3. We're not destitute, just buy the damn thing"

 

Couple of days later I notice there is a mason jar there.

me "Why is there a mason jar here? I thought you were going to buy a tooth brush holder?"

Her "I figured we could save the $3 and use something we already had."

 

That's fine and all, I don't really give a shit where we put them. Fast forward to this morning:

 

Me : " Why is my toothbrush in a Dickey's cup?"

Her "I didn't know if we had the budget for a toothbrush holder this month"

Me "Really, How much did spend on really bad BBQ???"

 

 

 

Does she think she’s supposed to be buying a new toothbrush holder every single month?

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3 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

Does she think she’s supposed to be buying a new toothbrush holder every single month?

I have no idea what she was thinking. I didn't ask. I can deal with the Dickey's cup as a cup holder. Little bit ashamed of her for liking Dickey's though

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6 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

Mine has to host a luncheon and was doing a test run on a recipe - something passed down on a hand written note card so no indications how much one recipe served.

She made the test batch and then was going to plate it up to see how many it would serve so she could extrapolate for the party.

I come home and there are 16 dirty paper plates in the trash ( I had to count them)- she put a serving on each plate to count it out instead of just spooning a serving on a single plate and then putting that serving into a bowl until she ran out....a bowl I might add that was destined to hold it all in the fridge anyway once she emptied all 16 plates into it after the cooking-calculus was done.

I'm just glad I came home after and didn't walk into a kitchen with paper plates spread all over it - probably saved me from *tone after.  

 

This ain't the humble brag thread. Wife used paper plates instead of having to wash 16 plates kinda brag.

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Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

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Not mine(i swear), my friends wife had a window open all of the way yesterday, including the screen, and a freaking barn swallow got into their house. She works from home, one of their ankle biter dogs took care of the bird but not after did some damage. It was 50 degrees yesterday too, noticeably cooler.

 

31770080_10101217462438950_3388300563102826496_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=4619382a15badb35adbfbffa04992666&oe=5B969085

 

31739939_10101217466540730_7599760066937356288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=d75cf8009b22eeca833d3b49d05fed55&oe=5B8D6D72

 

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11 hours ago, After irth said:

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

 

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12 hours ago, After irth said:

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

Return the new pillows for a refund. 

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4 minutes ago, GlenFromTheMailRoom said:

You forgot to add, "and use the money to buy enough beer to drown out her idiocy."

He bought her new pillows, failed to notice she never used them, apparently forgot he bought them, and bought her two more. I'm going with "that's on him."

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Complaining about her 6 hour a week job at a mother's day out....

Her: ...and If the toys don't get cleaned and put away, I get the blunt of the backlash from Kim....

Me: Kim gives you a blunt? nice.

she continues complaining without a pause..

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14 hours ago, After irth said:

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

You have extra pillows? All the better to smother her to death in her sleep, IMHO

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5 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Not mine(i swear), my friends wife had a window open all of the way yesterday, including the screen, and a freaking barn swallow got into their house. She works from home, one of their ankle biter dogs took care of the bird but not after did some damage. It was 50 degrees yesterday too, noticeably cooler.

 

31770080_10101217462438950_3388300563102826496_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=4619382a15badb35adbfbffa04992666&oe=5B969085

 

31739939_10101217466540730_7599760066937356288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=d75cf8009b22eeca833d3b49d05fed55&oe=5B8D6D72

 

I came here to get away from the skat pics!

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16 hours ago, After irth said:

Bought a whole new bedroom set after remodeling our Master. My wife (no pics) is not high-maintenance at all. We’ve been in our place almost 3 years. Got the whole house the way we want it, gradually, within budget and at our leisure. The Master is the last room to see attention, so I am more than amenable to making the bedroom into what she envisioned. 

Painted the walls a few months back, put in some shelves. One closet got redone last year. Little fixes here and there. 

This weekend, went and bought new bed. New mattress (fucking awesome mattress).  New sheets to match the new colors in the room. New Duvet on order (yes, I am comfortable with my masculinity and still know what a Duvet is). 

Yesterday. Everything is assembled. Put together. Reconfigurated. Cleaned. Dusted. Just the way we want. Got myself some nice fresh firm pillows to go with my new bed, mattress, sheets, etc. Gonna sleep like a mofo (we all know that mofos are well-known for their sleeping). 

This morn, I ask, “How did you sleep?”

”Eh...I could use a new pillow. I think mine is wearing out.”

What chaps my ass in this?  We have thought of nothing for the past four days about bedrooms and bedroom accessories, and she waits until now to remember that she might need a new pillow. 

So...the sucker that I am. I go to the store today, buy her the pillow she normally likes. As usual, I buy 2 so she has a backup. I get home. I go to put the extra pillow in her closet...and there’s already one there...from the last time I bought 2. 

Her response, “Well I don’t look up!”

Currently trying to figure out who’s the bigger idiot. 

 

TL:DR — Just kill yourself now...you can’t win. 

Never, NEVER try to pick out a wife's pillow.   The time before last I bought new pillows for myself, she said to get her 2.  I asked her what kind she wanted, "oh just get me the same kind you get."

Got home with the new pillows, and the next morning all I heard was about how horrible the pillows were, too hard etc. etc. why did you get those.  Fast forward to last week, I replaced my pillows and again she asked me to get her 2.   I just said OK, did my thing and came home.  "Where are my pillows? Why didn't you get my pillows?"   I simply looked at her and asked, do you remember what happened last time?  You need to get your own pillows.....TONE.

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51 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Never, NEVER try to pick out a wife's pillow.   The time before last I bought new pillows for myself, she said to get her 2.  I asked her what kind she wanted, "oh just get me the same kind you get."

Got home with the new pillows, and the next morning all I heard was about how horrible the pillows were, too hard etc. etc. why did you get those.  Fast forward to last week, I replaced my pillows and again she asked me to get her 2.   I just said OK, did my thing and came home.  "Where are my pillows? Why didn't you get my pillows?"   I simply looked at her and asked, do you remember what happened last time?  You need to get your own pillows.....TONE.

I have not purchased any of the 10,000 fucking pillows the avatar needs to survive the night

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Long day with child, put child down late, dinner discussion for us goes as follows:

Wife: Are we eating at home or should i get something?

Me: Home is fine, we have all of that BBQ left.

Wife: I'm tired and don't want to cook.

Me: No need, we have a all of that BBQ left.

Her: I don't want any BBQ, I'm going to pick something up.

Me: Ok, the BBQ is fine but if you want something else that'll work for me.

Her: What do you want me to get.

Me: Not picky, whatever sounds good to you.

Her: I'm not playing this game, you better pick something.

 

And as we all know, she's never picked any damn restaurant her life. I just bring up restaurant after restaurant until she decides one will work. My first suggestion was BBQ which didn't go over well.

Edited by LW Goatman
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20 minutes ago, LW Goatman said:

Long day with child, put child down late, dinner discussion for us goes as follows:

Wife: Are we eating at home or should i get something?

Me: Home is fine, we have all of that BBQ left.

Wife: I'm tired and don't want to cook.

Me: No need, we have a all of that BBQ left.

Her: I don't want any BBQ, I'm going to pick something up.

Me: Ok, the BBQ is fine but if you want something else that'll work for me.

Her: What do you want me to get.

Me: Not picky, whatever sounds good to you.

Her: I'm not playing this game, you better pick something.

 

And as we all know, she's never picked any damn restaurant her life. I just bring up restaurant after restaurant until she decides one will work. My first suggestion was BBQ which didn't go over well.

I hope to hell your response to her last snark was "OK, I pick BBQ"

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21 minutes ago, LW Goatman said:

Long day with child, put child down late, dinner discussion for us goes as follows:

Wife: Are we eating at home or should i get something?

Me: Home is fine, we have all of that BBQ left.

Wife: I'm tired and don't want to cook.

Me: No need, we have a all of that BBQ left.

Her: I don't want any BBQ, I'm going to pick something up.

Me: Ok, the BBQ is fine but if you want something else that'll work for me.

Her: What do you want me to get.

Me: Not picky, whatever sounds good to you.

Her: I'm not playing this game, you better pick something.

 

And as we all know, she's never picked any damn restaurant her life. I just bring up restaurant after restaurant until she decides one will work. My first suggestion was BBQ which didn't go over well.

Whatd you end up doing?

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Wife bought a golden doodle MUTT without asking. $1000. Not happy at all, kinda. Trying to figure out what to do to offset it. May go to Argentina to dove hunt ot buy a really really nice over/under. 

No way would I simply buy an additional family member without consultation. 

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