Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[mulletpelini 5206]

we can show tits here now?

[ROFL BOX 6620]

6 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

It's called a dad bod. The ladies dig it.

Yeah, but haven't you had that for like 20 years now & only married less than 3 years?

[mulletpelini 5206]

https://news.yahoo.com/illinois-man-thought-girlfriend-had-151147160.html

not one mention in the comments of what "really" triggered this guy.  I know all of us have a pretty good idea.

[Buzzrock 14775]

 
As someone with a wife from a 3rd world country, Eddie Murphy was right. With Facebook and social media they will talk to other women from their country that have foreign husbands that let them get and do everything they want and then they will start asking for the same.  Not to mention American women getting hold of them if you live in the USA. There is no safe wife pool.
 
 

Friend with a mail order Russian bride would agree. She owns his ass.

[Hate 20037]

https://news.yahoo.com/illinois-man-thought-girlfriend-had-151147160.html
not one mention in the comments of what "really" triggered this guy.  I know all of us have a pretty good idea.

Wait, Junior Miller lives in Illinois??

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4956]

12 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Don’t those fully cooked bacon packages have like 6 strips in them, separated with a plastic insert that spaces them out?  If so that’s a lot of freezer space for a half pound of bacon. 

They have some at Sam's that come in a big plastic bag and don't need to be refrigerated until opened.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

15 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

They have some at Sam's that come in a big plastic bag and don't need to be refrigerated until opened.

I'll pass

[UT_OB1 2193]

2 hours ago, Hate said:

Wait, Junior Miller lives in Illinois??

Lived. Past tense. 
 

*Tinfoil hat* - they just want you to believe they didn’t have the virus and weren’t going to die from it. This is how China keeps the numbers down. /tinfoil hat

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

12 hours ago, Jhawkmvp said:

They have been linked to reduced sperm/hormone levels, cancer, heart problems, and stomach ulcers and a host of less long term illnesses/problems. 

Whelp, that sounds better than marriage. 

[luke duke 6359]

 

Who needs a hammer drill when you have a wife?

[Pokoloco 1235]

22 hours ago, workswithseed said:

What was she trying to say? Emo?

Yes

[Buzzrock 14775]

Precooked and “microwave ready” bacon is an abomination. Especially since you can microwave regular bacon anyway in a pinch.

[Anastasis 23191]

Mrs. A: Hey dear I am late. I am on day 58. 

A: Yeah, look its probably just stress.  I had a vasectomy and am shooting blanks.

Mrs. A: I wish I could just go to Walgreens and buy a test.

A: This is dumb, but if you must buy one off amazon.

Mrs. A: It's gonna take a week to deliver, i can't go that long under the circumstances without wine.

A: Well, I do have the second jizz kit from Dr. Shah. If you are willing to help things out we can go do that. 

 

So the test was negative, but I a got a beej and a little helping hand. She tried but could not cancel the order for a pregnancy test through amazon.  All in all, I count this one as a win under the circumstances. 

[Fudge Nuggets 18825]

3 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Precooked and “microwave ready” bacon is an abomination. Especially since you can microwave regular bacon anyway in a pinch.

This is true.  My kids love it, but I call it "cardboard bacon".  It's shit.

[markstanco 12424]

Precooked and “microwave ready” bacon is an abomination. Especially since you can microwave regular bacon anyway in a pinch.

Yea this. I eat bacon 3ish times a year and have had the precooked once. More salt than the ocean.

Give me a skillet and 7 minutes to cook it until black where it is crunchy like potato chips.

[mulletpelini 5206]

3 hours ago, Anastasis said:

All in all, I count this one as a win under the circumstances. 

unless........she really is pregnant 

[Anastasis 23191]

2 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

unless........she really is pregnant 

[Upgrayedd 5743]

3 hours ago, Anastasis said:

So the test was negative, but I a got a beej and a little helping hand. She tried but could not cancel the order for a pregnancy test through amazon.  All in all, I count this one as a win under the circumstances. 

9 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

unless........she really is pregnant 

Any resemblance to me is purely coincidental.

[deadshank 24644]

7 hours ago, markstanco said:

Yea this. I eat bacon 3ish times a year and have had the precooked once. More salt than the ocean.

Give me a skillet and 7 minutes to cook it until black where it is crunchy like potato chips.

Black, crunchy bacon?  

You ridiculous dude. 

[markstanco 12424]

Nothing better IMO. When it is cooked "normally" I don't like the texture. Feels raw. I always find the most cooked pieces.

[Buzzrock 14775]

Yea this. I eat bacon 3ish times a year and have had the precooked once. More salt than the ocean.

Give me a skillet and 7 minutes to cook it until black where it is crunchy like potato chips.

I have so many questions.

[Buzzrock 14775]

Mrs. A: Hey dear I am late. I am on day 58. 
A: Yeah, look its probably just stress.  I had a vasectomy and am shooting blanks.
Mrs. A: I wish I could just go to Walgreens and buy a test.
A: This is dumb, but if you must buy one off amazon.
Mrs. A: It's gonna take a week to deliver, i can't go that long under the circumstances without wine.
A: Well, I do have the second jizz kit from Dr. Shah. If you are willing to help things out we can go do that. 
 
So the test was negative, but I a got a beej and a little helping hand. She tried but could not cancel the order for a pregnancy test through amazon.  All in all, I count this one as a win under the circumstances. 

Best believe I would have gloved and masked up and gone to Walgreens. They can probably hand you a test at the drive through.

[deadshank 24644]

35 minutes ago, markstanco said:

Nothing better IMO. When it is cooked "normally" I don't like the texture. Feels raw. I always find the most cooked pieces.

Philistine.   I'd hate to see what you'd do to a ribeye. 

[markstanco 12424]

Philistine.   I'd hate to see what you'd do to a ribeye. 

Rare to medium rare.

[deadshank 24644]

Just now, markstanco said:

2 minutes ago, deadshank said:

Philistine.   I'd hate to see what you'd do to a ribeye. 

Rare to medium rare.

You are intriguing. 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4956]

The upside of precooked bacon is you can just eat it straigh out of the fridge. Like a cold cut, but bacon.

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

9 hours ago, markstanco said:

Yea this. I eat bacon 3ish times a year and have had the precooked once. More salt than the ocean.

Give me a skillet and 7 minutes to cook it until black where it is crunchy like potato chips.

My man.

[WhatTheBuck 28574]

34 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

The upside of precooked bacon is you can just eat it straigh out of the fridge. Like a cold cut, but bacon.

Pato del Muerto does that with regular bacon. 

[Player 4566]

Yea this. I eat bacon 3ish times a year and have had the precooked once. More salt than the ocean.

Give me a skillet and 7 minutes to cook it until black where it is crunchy like potato chips.

Black and hard - just like you like your men.

[DDD Dad 14060]

Pato del Muerto does that with regular bacon. 

[Dennis Taylor 18544]

1 hour ago, deadshank said:

Black, crunchy bacon?  

You ridiculous dude. 

[ramirezut 63]

Whose wife popped their hood instead of their trunk at grocery store pick up section this morning?

[miguelito 11060]

You might have to be more specific than that.

[Pato del Muerto 51913]

12 hours ago, Anastasis said:

Mrs. A: Hey dear I am late. I am on day 58. 

A: Yeah, look its probably just stress.  I had a vasectomy and am shooting blanks.

Mrs. A: I wish I could just go to Walgreens and buy a test.

A: This is dumb, but if you must buy one off amazon.

Mrs. A: It's gonna take a week to deliver, i can't go that long under the circumstances without wine.

A: Well, I do have the second jizz kit from Dr. Shah. If you are willing to help things out we can go do that. 

 

So the test was negative, but I a got a beej and a little helping hand. She tried but could not cancel the order for a pregnancy test through amazon.  All in all, I count this one as a win under the circumstances. 

There’s another thread for people who will suck dick for wine

[SHOOTER12 8766]

10 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

unless........she really is pregnant by someone else.

Oh my, the shits about to hit the blank shooting fan.

[Sam Lin 3532]

2 hours ago, ramirezut said:

Whose wife popped their hood instead of their trunk at grocery store pick up section this morning?

Was she driving the Porsche? Common mistake if so.

[tejas60 3511]

nice humble brag

[Anastasis 23191]

18 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

unless........she really is pregnant 

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3826]

Has point A in a home ever been cleaned/organized/decluttered by a wife without cluttering up point B? Has this process ever made it to point E without much of the original stuff from point A not back at point A?

Asking for a friend.

[tbone_ 13968]

No.

And guess what I learned today? That in a time where social gatherings may never happen again we needed a new set of fancy dishes for 12 because the ones we have now suck for dinner parties.

[Pato del Muerto 51913]

I’ve got like 100 pounds of flour and rice on my front porch. Maybe more. 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Pato del Muerto

[NeverMarryAStripper 21765]

Now we know why HEB is out

[SilasCoade 2620]

that's actually pretty uncool.

[Pato del Muerto 51913]

Just told me she found a restaurant wholesaler who found himself with a lot of extra inventory. 
 

hopefully we can sell/give some away to neighbors. 

Edited April 10, 2020 by Pato del Muerto

[NeverMarryAStripper 21765]

She’s banging an HEB manager for groceries and toilet paper

[Pato del Muerto 51913]

I was wrong. It’s:

100lb bleached white flour

100lb stone ground wheat flour

100lb some other wheat flour 

100lb brown rice

100lb granulated white sugar

Maybe I’m supposed to open up a confectionary or bakery. 
 

and I’m a thousand miles from the nearest HEB, or more. 

[Modessit 5582]

I've been doing gig grocery delivery and gotdamn I can't understand how women live on their phone but can't answer a text in a timely manner. All these wives want input on every little thing if what they ordered is out of stock but can't bother answering even though they just texted me something 2 seconds ago.

 

 

[Teddyballgame 441]

My wife just asked me if Rockport is on the coast.  Btw she has been to Rockport well over100 times in her life. 

[wd40 1976]

to be fair, the correct answer is, "sort of."

[CycleTex87 2944]

What do you mean by “coast”?