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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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17 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

Quick background; wrong-way drivers on freeways have been an issue as of late in the Phoenix metro area.  They are usually drunk and obviously fucking idiots.  Gets a lot of press as you may imagine.  Most of the incidents happen in the early morning hours.

 

San Antonio moved to Phoenix?

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2 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Quick background; wrong-way drivers on freeways have been an issue as of late in the Phoenix metro area.  They are usually drunk and obviously fucking idiots.  Gets a lot of press as you may imagine.  Most of the incidents happen in the early morning hours.

Driving home from a show last night at around 11:30 PM.  Driving in the #2 lane . . . 

GF:  Better watch out for wrong-way drivers.

Me: On it.

GF:  They usually drive in the lanes closest to the median.  Maybe move over.

Me:  I'm not driving in the slow lane to avoid the potential for a wrong-way driver.

GF:  Well if we get killed, you know what I am going to say to you, don't you?

Me:  I don't think we are going to the same place.

GF: ???????

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On 8/14/2019 at 9:44 PM, Modessit said:
On 8/14/2019 at 8:22 PM, hundredTT said:
Finally convinced the lady to watch Game of Thrones. We both thought it was dumb first few episodes, then got hooked. I’m all excited to start the later episodes in season one and see her reading wiki on her phone about the show. I knew what she was doing but it was too late. She wiki’d the entire ending and all the spoilers. She did this shit with Breaking Bad. I’m like what’s the damn point of watching the show now?? She says she still wants to watch even though she knows every fucking thing that will happen. 🤦‍♂️

I have a friend who does that before going to the theater to see a movie. I'll ask him if he's want to see (whatever) and he said he already read the Wiki plot and knows how it ends. I told him he was a dumbass.

Anytime my wife and I watch a whodunnit or a movie that hints about having a twist near the end, my wife starts about 5 mins in with "I think THAT guy is the killer!". Then she'll hedge her bet later on by adding that these other 2-3 people could also be the killer. Then at the end, when she is proven wrong, she'll say that she was "just about to say that it was him!". 

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10 hours ago, Sandman said:

Anytime my wife and I watch a whodunnit or a movie that hints about having a twist near the end, my wife starts about 5 mins in with "I think THAT guy is the killer!". Then she'll hedge her bet later on by adding that these other 2-3 people could also be the killer. Then at the end, when she is proven wrong, she'll say that she was "just about to say that it was him!". 

She has a future as an aggy recruiting expert

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To my Surly brethren in Austin,
Please keep your pimp hand strong when it comes to the thermostat.
With the power concerns we dont need your ladies turning the shit down to 65 just  to be cold enough to use the down comforter she bought at Pier 1 for 25% off yesterday with your credit card.



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Motherfucker...I posted while laying on top of our down comforter, which is on the bed year round.

 

Also...my wife is fucking trying to kill me by driving me mad. We’re taking our daughter to college in Canada tomorrow. Getting a student visa is a hassle, so I’ve been a pain about getting all the documents together, but she’s begrudgingly gotten on board. So tonight, as we’re wrapping things up, I remind her to get her passport and the boy’s out of our fire safe.

She can’t find hers. She looked. It’s not in there, can’t imagine where it would be. We look all over the house. In all the bags that went to Europe two months ago. Spend an hour doing this. Can’t find it. She and the girl leave tomorrow. Not sure how we’re gonna pull this off. FML.

The girl looks in the fire safe again. “Found it!”

That was a fucking delightful - and pointless - hour.

 

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Oh for fuck’s sake. And now I just spent 20 mins trying every GFCI outlet reset in the house because she blew a seldom-used outlet. She tried all the resets in the craft room/closet, so I worked every other room....until she went BACK to that room and tried it again. She just hadn’t pushed the button right.
Seeing a pattern for the evening? You know what’s also awesome? If she says she did something, and I go back over to check, I’m an asshole because I don’t think she can do it - I’m “mansplaining” because I look down on her and don’t think she can solve problems on her own.
Which is why I’ve spent half my evening trying to find shit she’d already looked right past.
I’m going to have a whiskey now.

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4 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh for fuck’s sake. And now I just spent 20 mins trying every GFCI outlet reset in the house because she blew a seldom-used outlet. She tried all the resets in the craft room/closet, so I worked every other room....until she went BACK to that room and tried it again. She just hadn’t pushed the button right.
Seeing a pattern for the evening? You know what’s also awesome? If she says she did something, and I go back over to check, I’m an asshole because I don’t think she can do it - I’m “mansplaining” because I look down on her and don’t think she can solve problems on her own.
Which is why I’ve spent half my evening trying to find shit she’d already looked right past.
I’m going to have a whiskey now.

Whiskey is always a well sourced remedy for the shenanery of a female 

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1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Motherfucker...I posted while laying on top of our down comforter, which is on the bed year round.

 

Also...my wife is fucking trying to kill me by driving me mad. We’re taking our daughter to college in Canada tomorrow. Getting a student visa is a hassle, so I’ve been a pain about getting all the documents together, but she’s begrudgingly gotten on board. So tonight, as we’re wrapping things up, I remind her to get her passport and the boy’s out of our fire safe.

She can’t find hers. She looked. It’s not in there, can’t imagine where it would be. We look all over the house. In all the bags that went to Europe two months ago. Spend an hour doing this. Can’t find it. She and the girl leave tomorrow. Not sure how we’re gonna pull this off. FML.

The girl looks in the fire safe again. “Found it!”

That was a fucking delightful - and pointless - hour.

 

Can I get your daughter's contact info?  I've always wanted a Canadian girlfriend. 

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1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Motherfucker...I posted while laying on top of our down comforter, which is on the bed year round.

 

Also...my wife is fucking trying to kill me by driving me mad. We’re taking our daughter to college in Canada tomorrow. Getting a student visa is a hassle, so I’ve been a pain about getting all the documents together, but she’s begrudgingly gotten on board. So tonight, as we’re wrapping things up, I remind her to get her passport and the boy’s out of our fire safe.

She can’t find hers. She looked. It’s not in there, can’t imagine where it would be. We look all over the house. In all the bags that went to Europe two months ago. Spend an hour doing this. Can’t find it. She and the girl leave tomorrow. Not sure how we’re gonna pull this off. FML.

The girl looks in the fire safe again. “Found it!”

That was a fucking delightful - and pointless - hour.

 

dx: compound humblebrag

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I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

tenor.gif

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

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10 hours ago, MissingInAction said:

To my Surly brethren in Austin,

Please keep your pimp hand strong when it comes to the thermostat.

With the power concerns we dont need your ladies turning the shit down to 65 just  to be cold enough to use the comforter she bought at Pier 1 for 25% off yesterday with your credit card.

We come from a mirrored universe.

I keep my pimp hand strong because after spending 10-14 hours in 100 degrees heat I come home and the thermostat is set at 76' or warmer.

Power concerns be damned.  It was written in stone nearly 30 years ago that the world would end if I came home and could not be cool and comfortable after spending all day in the freaking heat  -70 or bust.

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3 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

tenor.gif

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

Definitely something fishy going on.  She must have run down her Puerto Rican boyfriend and now she's washing the blood off the car and doing it away from prying eyes.  

I'd keep her in front of me and at a safe distance. 

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8 hours ago, Brisketexan said:


When we travel, they are. But we keep them in the fire safe, which she handles. May need to change that.

Passports should be kept in the gun safe, which should also be sufficiently fire resistant. And strangely enough it has plenty of room for that after that tragic beating accident.

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We come from a mirrored universe.
I keep my pimp hand strong because after spending 10-14 hours in 100 degrees heat I come home and the thermostat is set at 76' or warmer.
Power concerns be damned.  It was written in stone nearly 30 years ago that the world would end if I came home and could not be cool and comfortable after spending all day in the freaking heat  -70 or bust.

Motherfucking this !

If I sweat in my own house there is going to be a problem. When I’m on my way home she turns the ac down to 68.
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5 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

tenor.gif

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

the fuck is a basement?

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6 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

tenor.gif

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

She is washing all the semen off

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8 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.

tenor.gif

Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.

Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.

So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.

Have you ever heard of dogging?

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14 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh for fuck’s sake. And now I just spent 20 mins trying every GFCI outlet reset in the house because she blew a seldom-used outlet. She tried all the resets in the craft room/closet, so I worked every other room....until she went BACK to that room and tried it again. She just hadn’t pushed the button right.
Seeing a pattern for the evening? You know what’s also awesome? If she says she did something, and I go back over to check, I’m an asshole because I don’t think she can do it - I’m “mansplaining” because I look down on her and don’t think she can solve problems on her own.
Which is why I’ve spent half my evening trying to find shit she’d already looked right past.
I’m going to have a whiskey now.

Did you check the GFCI in the fire safe?

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Not sure if trivial, or if my fault for not buying the item that makes this impossible, but when she uses the garden hose, she puts it back by dropping the nozzle and piling the hose on top, creating knots. 

We did yard work Sunday, she did this, then threw weeds that she pulled all over the tangles. I was not happy and let it be known
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I buried the safe in the basement floor, she never goes in the basement.  Problem solved.
tenor.gif
Today was odd though.  Must be something in the menstrual air.  When I got home, the garage door was lifting and I could see her doing something with her car.  I had picked up some lumber for our home office I'm working on so I didn't pull into the garage as normal.  I get out and then see what she's doing.  She's washing the car......inside the garage.
Now, the strangest part of this is, that I've never seen her wash a car.....EVER.  Not by hand, not paying someone else, not automated, not even if it was free with a fill-up.  NEVER.
So immediately, my mind goes into "ah shit what did she fuck up now" so I start asking questions about it and of course I'm an asshole for asking why she's washing her car in the garage.  Apparently it was just a spur of the moment fleeting female thought that led to it, but I was still fucking irritated because I've got tvs, amps, speakers, computers, tools, etc. and I really don't want her in the garage at all to be quite honest, and it rarely is an issue.  Much like the basement, she doesn't venture there much.   I told her to wash the fucking car in the driveway and got the asshole tone stare but that's nothing new.


She’s hiding something alright.

IMG_5651.JPG
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My wife was just reading news articles and turned to me and asked "What's wonton endangerment?" After laughing uncontrollably for a couple minutes, I managed a straight face and said "it's these damn tariffs, they're causing a shortage of Chinese food."

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