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Me: why did you buy a new kindle?

Because it will only pop up the kindle fire logo and turn off.

Is it charged?

Yes, plugged in for days so it is 100%

Did you try a different cord?

No.

{Stanco tries different cord, all books come up and is charging}

Her: Well I can't read that one in the sunlight anyway.

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  • Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

  • BearCountry11
    BearCountry11

    From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Narrator: She wanted a new Kindle.

I checked back in on this thread starting on page 95. First post on that page was the quote from kenny

On 1/17/2019 at 9:53 AM, Kennythetiger said:

Mine drinks from the toilet

I thought to myself, hope Kenny installed a bidet so his wife's hair doesn't get wet.

On 1/17/2019 at 1:40 PM, Cheeseweasel said:

Fair. If he said she's buying free range, No GMO, fair trade rice at $25 bucks per grain, he'd have a point.

This is where we are. Sigh.

  • Popular Post

My wife left a PTA meeting the other day and checked Facebook a little after she got home. One of her PTA friends had apparently been followed by a suspicious vehicle on her drive back home, so she drove to the police station.

 

Wife: Did you see the FB post on the neighborhood page?

Luke Duke: Yes.

Wife: Can you check our security cameras to be if he followed me too?

Luke: You want me to check to see if the same person followed two different people to two different places at the same time?

Wife: Tone

 

My wife left a PTA meeting the other day and checked Facebook a little after she got home. One of her PTA friends had apparently been followed by a suspicious vehicle on her drive back home, so she drove to the police station.
 
Wife: Did you see the FB post on the neighborhood page?
Luke Duke: Yes.
Wife: Can you check our security cameras to be if he followed me too?
Luke: You want me to check to see if the same person followed two different people to two different places at the same time?
Wife: Tone
 
So what happened? Did the suspicious guy happen to live on the same street?

The best part is when the suspicious car turns out to be her, and she was just riding someone's ass too close on her way home. 

Wtf are security cameras pointed at your garage and front/rear doors going to do?

Is she going to tell from your ring doorbell footage if a car drives by that it's the actual suspicious vehicle or just a random car?

Did you get toned because you told her to look at the security cameras herself in your underground bunker?

49 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

The best part is when the suspicious car turns out to be her, and she was just riding someone's ass too close on her way home. 

This is how i was expecting the story to end.

16 hours ago, luke duke said:

My wife left a PTA meeting the other day and checked Facebook a little after she got home. One of her PTA friends had apparently been followed by a suspicious vehicle on her drive back home, so she drove to the police station.

 

Wife: Did you see the FB post on the neighborhood page?

Luke Duke: Yes.

Wife: Can you check our security cameras to be if he followed me too?

Luke: You want me to check to see if the same person followed two different people to two different places at the same time?

Wife: Tone

 

I heard the wifes friend was so ugly, the guy tried breaking into her house, and when she heard him, she screamed RAPE!, and he said hell no.

Wife taking kids to school this morning... Starts screaming at bottom of stairs for me to come down

Wife: I have ice on my windshield.. What do i do???!!! 

14 minutes ago, joeycovers said:

Wife taking kids to school this morning... Starts screaming at bottom of stairs for me to come down

Wife: I have ice on my windshield.. What do i do???!!! 

Joey:  Stare At it a little longer

mrs Joey:  tone

1 hour ago, joeycovers said:

Wife taking kids to school this morning... Starts screaming at bottom of stairs for me to come down

Wife: I have ice on my windshield.. What do i do???!!! 

I took my 10 year old to Chiefs/Patriots over the weekend.  Born and raised in Austin and cars parked in the garage his whole life...walked out of the hotel Sunday morning and realized he'd never seen someone scrape a windshield before.

 

1 hour ago, joeycovers said:

Wife taking kids to school this morning... Starts screaming at bottom of stairs for me to come down

Wife: I have ice on my windshield.. What do i do???!!! 

Lick it.

Mrs CycleTex: Stop by the store on your way home and pick up the generic version of X medicine for kid C

CycleTex: Ok, X medicine has like 15 different versions - regular strength, extra strength, mega death strength, slow release, rapid release, extra cough suppressant, etc. etc.  

Mrs CT:  I'll text you.  It's a blue box.

CT:  Send me a picture of the box.

Mrs CT: ...mmfmsfmggmgfff......Tone......fsdmfmsdfsdfokgjffmmsmmfkg.....I don't have the box

And the narrator - He didn't get the right kind.

31 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

Mrs CycleTex: Stop by the store on your way home and pick up the generic version of X medicine for kid C

CycleTex: Ok, X medicine has like 15 different versions - regular strength, extra strength, mega death strength, slow release, rapid release, extra cough suppressant, etc. etc.  

Mrs CT:  I'll text you.  It's a blue box.

CT:  Send me a picture of the box.

Mrs CT: ...mmfmsfmggmgfff......Tone......fsdmfmsdfsdfokgjffmmsmmfkg.....I don't have the box

And the narrator - He didn't get the right kind.

Over the holidays I spent 20 minutes in front of the goddamn almond milk section of the grocery store because mother in law HAD to have Silk Original Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk.

 

They have;

Original

Original Vanilla

Original Unsweetened

Original Unsweetened Vanilla

Vanilla

Light Original

Light Vanilla

Orignial Blend

Origninal Unsweetened Blend

Organic Original

In several different sizes each, and 2 or 3 other brands.  Only differentiated by a small strip of color that is some slightly variant shade of pink/red.

 

 

Having worked under a management team made up entirely of females, I can say without shame, they should have never been given the right to vote.

It's been downhill ever since. 

Our house is 2 years old.

Mrs. Jimmy- We need to call a plumber 

Me- what for? 

Mrs. Jimmy- The shower handle is loose in our bathroom

5 minutes later

Me- Problem fixed we don't need the plumber

Mrs. Jimmy- HOW DID YOU DO THAT? 

Me- it's called a screwdriver

 

Not sure if I should take offense to the fact she wanted to call a plumber to fix a loose handle or she was playing me knowing that questioning my masculinity would get me to fix the problem right away.....

Over the holidays I spent 20 minutes in front of the goddamn almond milk section of the grocery store because mother in law HAD to have Silk Original Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk.
 
They have;
Original
Original Vanilla
Original Unsweetened
Original Unsweetened Vanilla
Vanilla
Light Original
Light Vanilla
Orignial Blend
Origninal Unsweetened Blend
Organic Original
In several different sizes each, and 2 or 3 other brands.  Only differentiated by a small strip of color that is some slightly variant shade of pink/red.
 
 
Been there but with unsweetened coconut milk and I bought sweetened. Good thing the grocery store was 2min away
Over the holidays I spent 20 minutes in front of the goddamn almond milk section of the grocery store because mother in law HAD to have Silk Original Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk.
 
They have;
Original
Original Vanilla
Original Unsweetened
Original Unsweetened Vanilla
Vanilla
Light Original
Light Vanilla
Orignial Blend
Origninal Unsweetened Blend
Organic Original
In several different sizes each, and 2 or 3 other brands.  Only differentiated by a small strip of color that is some slightly variant shade of pink/red.
 
 

Back when I was a kid and stocked at a grocery store. Lactaid came out. Until then the case was your basic 4 milks, whipping cream, and half and half.

I just shake my head walking by a milk case now, amazing how much bs marketing has done to it.
33 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

Our house is 2 years old.

Mrs. Jimmy- We need to call a plumber  

Me- what for? 

Mrs. Jimmy- The shower handle is loose in our bathroom

5 minutes later

Me- Problem fixed we don't need the plumber

Mrs. Jimmy- HOW DID YOU DO THAT? 

Me- it's called a screwdriver 

 

Not sure if I should take offense to the fact she wanted to call a plumber to fix a loose handle or she was playing me knowing that questioning my masculinity would get me to fix the problem right away.....

This hits close to home.  I replaced our shower head the other day and afterwards my wife tells me "Wow, I'm surprised you did that all on your own!"

...

I guess I had it coming because I did recently pay a plumber to replace the faucet in my kitchen sink, but who the hell wants to crawl under there anyway?

1 hour ago, JimmyHoffa said:

Not sure if I should take offense to the fact she wanted to call a plumber to fix a loose handle or she was playing me knowing that questioning my masculinity would get me to fix the problem right away.....

I've seen enough "videos" to know why your wife wanted to call a plumber.

I liked how he didn't list the option that his wife wanted to call the plumber because she questioned his masculinity. 


I guess I had it coming because I did recently pay a plumber to replace the faucet in my kitchen sink, but who the hell wants to crawl under there anyway?


That’s just sad. I replaced mine last weekend, took a whole hour.
6 hours ago, G-RICE said:

This hits close to home.  I replaced our shower head the other day and afterwards my wife tells me "Wow, I'm surprised you did that all on your own!"

...

I guess I had it coming because I did recently pay a plumber to replace the faucet in my kitchen sink, but who the hell wants to crawl under there anyway?

You had it going and then you threw it all away. Just omit the 2nd part next time, none of us will be the wiser. 

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Wife is at work and answered the Ring doorbell. She told the solicitors, "No thank you, I am at work."

Why even answer the damn thing? Next time just leave the front door open.

13 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

 


That’s just sad. I replaced mine last weekend, took a whole hour.

 

I try to do most of that shit myself but I'll be damned if the simplest plumbing problem doesn't take me half a day every time.

“Have college basketball games always had halftime?”

“Wow, I'm surprised you did that all on your own!"


This is the line I use when she puts forth the effort to get a step ladder to reach something.
On 1/24/2019 at 9:18 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

 


That’s just sad. I replaced mine last weekend, took a whole hour.

 

Fuck that.  Do you know how much TV I can watch in an hour?

7 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Fuck that.  Do you know how much TV I can watch in an hour?

About 42 minutes, if it’s live tv.  

On 1/25/2019 at 10:34 AM, Brothahorn said:

Wife is at work and answered the Ring doorbell. She told the solicitors, "No thank you, I am at work."

Why even answer the damn thing? Next time just leave the front door open.

I just interviewed to take over a work-from-home team, and one of the things Mrs. Walden asked me was "What if there's a knock at the door?"

What makes this an especially ridiculous question is that we already don't answer 90% of the time.

Wife took the kids to a bday party and had plans with friends afterwards. Instead of her driving way out of the way to drop off the kids I told her I'd meet her somewhere around 183/360 and take the kids home and she could go on to her party. So she texts me that the party is over

me: I'm at the barnes and noble at 10000 research Austin Tx 78759
her: ok, on my way

a little while later:

her: where are you?
me: I'm parked right outside the front door, I'm standing next to my car
her: I don't see you

I look at my "find a friend" and sure enough she's at the lakeline mall barnes and noble.

 

 

On 1/26/2019 at 7:56 PM, Buzzrock said:

“Have college basketball games always had halftime?”

"Yeah, just like hockey"

12 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife took the kids to a bday party and had plans with friends afterwards. Instead of her driving way out of the way to drop off the kids I told her I'd meet her somewhere around 183/360 and take the kids home and she could go on to her party. So she texts me that the party is over

me: I'm at the barnes and noble at 10000 research Austin Tx 78759
her: ok, on my way

a little while later:

her: where are you?
me: I'm parked right outside the front door, I'm standing next to my car
her: I don't see you

I look at my "find a friend" and sure enough she's at the lakeline mall barnes and noble.

I’m gonna have to put this one on you. If you’d have done Cheesecake Factory instead, it’s unambiguous.

 

I'd kinda agree with you, but I stood in front of her with the map open on my phone, she pointed out where the party was, and we both came to the conclusion that 183/360 is the closest she'd pass by our house on the way to the party.

I've had this and similar happen over the years.  Now, whenever we start talking about meeting up, I get some flashbacks and simply say - Stay put.  I'll come there.

Even if it is out of my way it ends up saving me time.

Houston has had rain just about every week since November. Everything is wet. Golf courses have pretty much been cart path only all winter. So i try to keep our sprinkler system off. Three days after a good rain the wife will tell me she turned the water back on. She says the grass seems to be dying. I’ve told her 10 times this fall and winter that that’s what dormant St. Augustine looks like. No matter. Three days after last week’s 1 inch of rain she turns it back on again with more rain forecast this week. The reason? Grass looks dead.

Who the hell showed your wife how to work the sprinkler system?

No shit. Just unplug it and tell her she broke it. “Fix” when the rain stops or sprinklers are needed

15 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife took the kids to a bday party and had plans with friends afterwards. Instead of her driving way out of the way to drop off the kids I told her I'd meet her somewhere around 183/360 and take the kids home and she could go on to her party. So she texts me that the party is over

me: I'm at the barnes and noble at 10000 research Austin Tx 78759
her: ok, on my way

a little while later:

her: where are you?
me: I'm parked right outside the front door, I'm standing next to my car
her: I don't see you

I look at my "find a friend" and sure enough she's at the lakeline mall barnes and noble.

Is she hot?

3 hours ago, VolenteHawk said:

I’m gonna have to put this one on you. If you’d have done Cheesecake Factory instead, it’s unambiguous.

 

Plus the kids could take pictures with Vince

Recap of the weekend-

Saturday- Kids birthday party at our house

Sunday- Basketball tournament in the morning, soccer game late afternoon

Sunday night- Wife goes on a 10 minute rant to me (not at me) about how she doesn't have enough time in the day to get everything done with home and work, blah, blah, blah. Then is fine.

It's like she just needed to be pissed about something, get it off her chest and then she feels better. Women are weird. 

 

49 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Who the hell showed your wife how to work the sprinkler system?

That neighbor that seems to visit alot.

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