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The Things Olds Do


T’Boo Ted Marshall

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We can't talk about the olds without talking about phone ringers.  My wife and I are fortunate enough to both have our parents.  All four in great health and in their late 60s.  All four insist on full volume ringer at all times.
My Dad:  Standard ring tone, full blast 24x7.  Ignores most calls.  Lets it ring and ring even if it's a telemarketer and right in front of him.  
My Mom:  All of her friends and family have a different ring tone.  Full blast.  She will answer every phone call every time.  She would stop surgery to answer a call from an unknown number. 
FIL:  Some custom ring tone of a Harley revving then "Bad to the Bone" song playing.  Bonus points because he talks on speakerphone at all times.
MIL:  Flashing light + custom ring tones + the Siri voice announcing who is calling.  Double bonus points because she constantly loses her phone and has hearing aids, so it rings and she's on a fire drill to try to find it. 

They like to watch their porn at full volume and forget to turn down the volume. Shit happens, you prude.
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8 hours ago, Spaulding Smails said:

We can't talk about the olds without talking about phone ringers.  My wife and I are fortunate enough to both have our parents.  All four in great health and in their late 60s.  All four insist on full volume ringer at all times.

My Dad:  Standard ring tone, full blast 24x7.  Ignores most calls.  Lets it ring and ring even if it's a telemarketer and right in front of him.  

My Mom:  All of her friends and family have a different ring tone.  Full blast.  She will answer every phone call every time.  She would stop surgery to answer a call from an unknown number. 

FIL:  Some custom ring tone of a Harley revving then "Bad to the Bone" song playing.  Bonus points because he talks on speakerphone at all times.

MIL:  Flashing light + custom ring tones + the Siri voice announcing who is calling.  Double bonus points because she constantly loses her phone and has hearing aids, so it rings and she's on a fire drill to try to find it. 

BIL?

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My mother has taken to documenting my life on her Facebook page, and I mean multiple posts per day, pics I sent her from my vacation, all of it.  Nevermind that I hate Facebook, closed my account years ago, and don't want to be on there.

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My dad is 76 and in overall good health. But he believes every sports article on the internet about Houston teams. He will call me and say “you hear the Astros are going to trade for Trout for Chas?”
 

He also doesn’t understand click bait articles. He called me all mad the other day and was like “can you believe some guy on the internet is calling the Manning kid a bust.” 
 

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Similar to the abundance of Miracle Whip, I’ve got 4-5 huge bottles of mustard from my FIL. Every time we have the family over to hang out, he shows up with a brand new bottle of mustard. Doesn’t matter if I’m making fajitas, brisket, or Thanksgiving dinner. He brings a bottle of mustard and hot dogs for the grandkids. Not a single one of them eats mustard on their dogs, which only get made half the time anyway (like, why would I grill hot dogs for thanksgiving?) He also brings donuts most Saturday mornings for the kiddos, and always brings me an apple fritter, despite me telling him I don’t eat donuts, and if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be a fucking apple fritter. I’ve just given up and it’s now a running joke with the wife. And the local crows are happy

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4 minutes ago, SquishMitten said:

Similar to the abundance of Miracle Whip, I’ve got 4-5 huge bottles of mustard from my FIL. Every time we have the family over to hang out, he shows up with a brand new bottle of mustard. Doesn’t matter if I’m making fajitas, brisket, or Thanksgiving dinner. He brings a bottle of mustard and hot dogs for the grandkids. Not a single one of them eats mustard on their dogs, which only get made half the time anyway (like, why would I grill hot dogs for thanksgiving?) He also brings donuts most Saturday mornings for the kiddos, and always brings me an apple fritter, despite me telling him I don’t eat donuts, and if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be a fucking apple fritter. I’ve just given up and it’s now a running joke with the wife. And the local crows are happy

Damn, apple fritter is about the only thing in that category I eat when the kids want donuts. 

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20 hours ago, Spaulding Smails said:

My Mom:  All of her friends and family have a different ring tone.  Full blast.  She will answer every phone call every time.  She would stop surgery to answer a call from an unknown number. 

FIL:  Some custom ring tone of a Harley revving then "Bad to the Bone" song playing.  Bonus points because he talks on speakerphone at all times.

MIL:  Flashing light + custom ring tones + the Siri voice announcing who is calling.  Double bonus points because she constantly loses her phone and has hearing aids, so it rings and she's on a fire drill to try to find it. 

All of this combined are my in laws.  Also, Facetiming in public.  I have to leave the area when this happens so I don't grab her phone and shatter it on the ground in a fit of rage.

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wtf with old pople and their refrigerators?? every visit to both my parents as well as my MIL required a clean out 🤮 my 85 yoa aunt's fridge looks like a hoarder and she barely even eats!

expired everything... condiments, milk, juices, salad dressings, cheeses, yogurts, lunchmeats... there'd be four things of sour cream with the youngest expiring six months ago. fresh veggies from latest grocery trip on top...covering bags of rotting lettuce and onions. i mean how long do you have to keep a carrot for it to go bad??

i used to get so frustrated at my mom, she'd say 'well i was at the grocery and needed cream cheese and didn't remember i had some' and i'd be like 'fine... but when you get home just throw the old one away!' and she'd be all 'quit fussing at me!' 🙄

ugh. every old person i know does it. remnants from growing up poor?? dunno...but so gross.

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1 hour ago, mchookem said:

wtf with old pople and their refrigerators?? every visit to both my parents as well as my MIL required a clean out 🤮 my 85 yoa aunt's fridge looks like a hoarder and she barely even eats!

expired everything... condiments, milk, juices, salad dressings, cheeses, yogurts, lunchmeats... there'd be four things of sour cream with the youngest expiring six months ago. fresh veggies from latest grocery trip on top...covering bags of rotting lettuce and onions. i mean how long do you have to keep a carrot for it to go bad??

i used to get so frustrated at my mom, she'd say 'well i was at the grocery and needed cream cheese and didn't remember i had some' and i'd be like 'fine... but when you get home just throw the old one away!' and she'd be all 'quit fussing at me!' 🙄

ugh. every old person i know does it. remnants from growing up poor?? dunno...but so gross.

expired-geico.gif

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wtf with old pople and their refrigerators?? every visit to both my parents as well as my MIL required a clean out my 85 yoa aunt's fridge looks like a hoarder and she barely even eats!
expired everything... condiments, milk, juices, salad dressings, cheeses, yogurts, lunchmeats... there'd be four things of sour cream with the youngest expiring six months ago. fresh veggies from latest grocery trip on top...covering bags of rotting lettuce and onions. i mean how long do you have to keep a carrot for it to go bad??
i used to get so frustrated at my mom, she'd say 'well i was at the grocery and needed cream cheese and didn't remember i had some' and i'd be like 'fine... but when you get home just throw the old one away!' and she'd be all 'quit fussing at me!'
ugh. every old person i know does it. remnants from growing up poor?? dunno...but so gross.

6f9d897c330b7fcf75d0060520393c8f.gif

6f9d897c330b7fcf75d0060520393c8f.gif

Damnit. Have to be quick around here.
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@Jameslaw121 has my back on this one.  

Our father is the unhappiest sporting fan in the history of the world.  I've actually seen him bitch about the Cowboys during a Super Bowl win.  It's odd because I'll just step away from my teams' fandom for a bit if I get unhappy.

A couple of years ago, Motley County was playing in the state championship game at Jerryworld.  I figured I'd take him.  He loves football.  He memorizes Dave Campbell's every year.  His father played for Motley County in the 30's.  I think Motley County was the underdog; however, they're up going into the 2nd quarter.  The starting QB gets hurt which, I presume for 6-man, is the kiss of death.  He gets so angry about how the back up is doing that he decides he's going to sit the 2nd half out in the car.  So, we ended up leaving at halftime.

p.s. Outside of sports, he is a really good guy that will do anything for his family.

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1 hour ago, Jiggy-Z said:

You may know what's coming, but you won't be ready.


You’re absolutely right; you never are. No matter how much you think you prepare yourself, you’re still not ready. 
 

Don’t get me wrong, there are things like pre-planning and whatnot that make it smoother. But it doesn’t make it better.

Condolences to you and your family. 

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12 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

Similar to the abundance of Miracle Whip, I’ve got 4-5 huge bottles of mustard from my FIL. Every time we have the family over to hang out, he shows up with a brand new bottle of mustard. Doesn’t matter if I’m making fajitas, brisket, or Thanksgiving dinner. He brings a bottle of mustard and hot dogs for the grandkids. Not a single one of them eats mustard on their dogs, which only get made half the time anyway (like, why would I grill hot dogs for thanksgiving?) He also brings donuts most Saturday mornings for the kiddos, and always brings me an apple fritter, despite me telling him I don’t eat donuts, and if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be a fucking apple fritter. I’ve just given up and it’s now a running joke with the wife. And the local crows are happy

Aww. That's just sweet. Consider yourself blessed. He's making it a point to think of others.

(Obviously it's still funny)

2 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I've actually seen him bitch about the Cowboys during a Super Bowl win.

This is almost identical to my go-to joke about Cowboys fans and their sports radio. They (we? fuck me) could win the Super Bowl and next morning you'd have someone calling in saying they don't think the starting QB is the right guy. 

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You’re absolutely right; you never are. No matter how much you think you prepare yourself, you’re still not ready. 
 
Don’t get me wrong, there are things like pre-planning and whatnot that make it smoother. But it doesn’t make it better.
Condolences to you and your family. 

Yeah to a degree. I watched Mom take her last breath while asking for water in her bed. As a son not being able to give it to her was a feeling I’ll never wish on anyone. Nasty and short battle with leukemia.
Pop has had issues for years. Double bypass, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, 2 heart attacks, prostate cancer and Nearly died about 6 weeks ago after choking on steak at the country club. Was barely saved by a buddy of his.
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14 hours ago, Parliament said:

My mother is 6-9 months behind on the World's goings-on.  A year ago she asked me, "What's Bit.  Coin?"  I told her to wait another 6 months and it'd go away.

My MIL is an absolute menace on the internet. I still thank my lucky stars about her decision to switch to Macs a decade ago because it means I never have to troubleshoot her computer problems anymore. 

Anyway, one time years and years after Twitter had already become an ingrained part of the public consciousness, she asked me and Mrs. Doom in total seriousness and earnestness, "what is hashtagging, and should I be doing it?" 

This question has reached catch-phrase status at our house. 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom
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7 hours ago, Jiggy-Z said:

My dad died last Tuesday at 89. I wish he was still around to make fun of. He had some serious olds lulz. Thanks for the lulz old man.

My boys call me "old man". If I make it to 89, they'll be about the age I am now. 

I hope to give them the lulz. 

RIP Old Man Jiggy

 

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12 minutes ago, Slacks said:

Absolutely from growing up poor. 

As an old in training who grew up somewhat poor, I find myself keeping a bunch of shit I'll never need. 

I imagine my sons wonder why in the hell I have boxes of cables for technology from the year 2000. I have more RCA and RGB cables than every one of you combined. Can't throw them away, in case I find an old dvd player and need to hook it up to an old TV. 

 

Haha this.  Only my old cables are in baggies labeled with what they are supposed to be, because my wife is also an old and almost as anal as South Austin’s mom.

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29 minutes ago, F250 said:

My dad is in his mid 80's and believes one's life must be filled with manual labor. Last fall during the weekend of the ou game I picked up a new door for my kitchen.

After Texas finishes obliterating ou my dad dissappears. I am full of beer and whiskey and snacks and probably talking shit on Surly after the game.

About an hour later, I hear some loud noise coming from my kitchen and walk over to find my dad ripping out the old door. He had just crossed the Rubicon and the door needed to be replaced at that moment. I tried to object but he said something about "you can't sit around drinking and eating all day." Uhhh, yes I can because it's college football season. I didn't say that, I just acquiesced and got to work with a full belly of booze and food and half drunk. It sucked.

I am a middle-aged man but whenever my dad says it's time to do work, I feel like a 14 year old and just go along with it.

Your dad sounds like he's fucking awesome. 

Or a Mexican.

Or both.

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23 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Your dad sounds like he's fucking awesome. 

Or a Mexican.

Or both.

I love  and respect Mexicans.  Those hardworking motherfuckers understand the importance of spending a day drinking beer and whiskey and doing nothing else. 

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4 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

Those hardworking motherfuckers understand the importance of spending a day drinking beer and whiskey and doing nothing else. 

In my experience they understand the importance of spending a day working their asses off then drinking a lot of beer and tequila then showing up the next day to do the same thing. 

Phenomenal culture. Outside of the cartel shit and the cutting kid's hearts out on the temple steps stuff. And murdering each other at soccer games.

But, I mean, that's always going to be going down... what are you gonna do?

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5 minutes ago, F250 said:

Both. He is Mexican and has been a rancher from Southeast Texas his entire life. Hurricane Harvey sat on his place for a day and ripped off the corner of his house and that old man was on his roof carrying up pallets of shingles on his own shortly after the hurricane. Dude was in his late 70's at the time.

 

I mean - yeah. I wasn't kidding. I work for a paint store. We had a guy (that I know well) come in last week with a pretty nasty open wound along his wrist. I asked him que paso alli? He told me some guys left some oil soaked rags in his truck and he woke up to his truck smoking. He opened the door and got a face full of flame. 

I asked if he went to the doctor or anything. He looks at me and goes "No - I'm Mexican!"

Later he showed us a video of his 80 something year old dad running around outside his house in Mexico shadowboxing and shit like he had a tune-up later that night.

Those motherfuckers are built different, man. Granted - we get plenty of annoying Mexican cocksuckers as well but there's a bell curve with everything. It's more likely to be white guys named Matt or Chris or 2nd or 3rd generation spoiled Mexican-Americans leeching off their dad's company.

I've had this job about a year - I never looked down upon Latino immigrants beforehand but I'll be damned if it hasn't very favorably colored my impression of them during that time. 

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My dad's refrigerator is exactly as described above, except the light no longer works, and you can't get to it to replace the bulb for all the stuff in there.  The only thing that you can always count on being fresh is the two gallons of milk.  He doesn't drink tea or water, just milk.  I like milk, but damn.  That's too much.

Sadly, other than the refrigerator references, too many of these describe me.  Every cable I've ever owned - check.  Enormous quantities of random screws, bolts, washers, and nuts that never match the task at hand - check.  "The Drawer" with miscellaneous items dating back to 1988 - check.  Yep, I'm old.

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Here's one my 40's-aged sisters (no pics) do:  Chat by email. Like send and email saying, "Good morning (Parliament).  Just wondering if you were plannning to stop by after work today."  Like most youngs, I check my personal email at most once a day.  So I'll see your email long after I've stopped by you house after work today.

Texting was developed in 2001 and by now they have the kinks worked out.  Let's just use that.

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20 hours ago, Superhero said:

My dad had cataract surgery and corrected his near sightedness at the same time (I didn’t know anything like that exists).

I called to check in on him and he said his “eyesight is great, and did you know your mom has really saggy skin on her neck?”

You spelled chest wrong.

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19 minutes ago, mininghorn88 said:

My dad is 79 and grew up dirt poor. Even though he had an office job for his career he was always doing some sort of manual work on his own time. To this day he can work circles around most people. Much of what he does he should not be doing at his age.

My son, 29 years old, is renovating his house and my dad, who is retired, is loving it because my son asked him to help. My son commented to me that “Paw Paw never stops. He just works”.  I told my son to keep an eye on him so that he does not overdo it.

A couple of weeks ago my son asked me to help him with something at his house. As I was busy assessing the situation my son told me that he should have asked Paw Paw to help because we would have already been done.

I am glad that both of my kids recognize and appreciate hard work and are hard workers too.

My Dad was like that and extremely practically strong.  I could way outlift him in the gym, outwalk, outrun, outswim, outbicycle.  But he could work all day around the house, carry stuff, pull stuff apart, dig, paint and so on.  He did not grow up dirt poor, but relatively well off during the depression, meaning they ate and had a roof over their head.

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