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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

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4 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

Not my wife but worth a mention.  

My wife’s old college roommate (no pics) lives about 2 blocks away from us.  She texts my wife that she’s at the grocery store and asks if we need anything as it’s pretty well stocked.  We immediately listed off a few essentials that we’re running short on.  Very nice of her to think of us while she’s out.  

30 minutes later we get another text apologizing that she had put her phone in her pocket (forgot she had texted us), finished her shopping, and was already back home.  No big deal - I can go to the store but still a head scratcher.   

I think that's insulting. 

3 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

kinda close to her excuse and almost about to call bullshit on this.

what woman on the planet goes more than 5 mins without checking their phone?

she probably just decided she didnt want to go find the items

This. She's a bitch and you should stop inviting her to parties. 

Also, cucumbers suck. Pickles are good. 

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My wife went from "everything's fine, this is just a minor inconvenience"  to "we're all gonna die" in just 12 hours.  Fun times.  

We purchased a 2nd Chromebook from Best Buy.  It came in a box within a box.  She took the outer box off, threw it in the back yard, then left the inner box on the table.  After opening the inner box I was then inundated with, "Did you wash your hands?  Are you sure? At least 45 seconds?"

I asked her why it was so important to wash my hands when she put the GD box on the kitchen table w/o a thought.  /tone

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About the college roommate, oh bullshit, everyone is under stress and she just forgot. Cut her some slack. Shake your head and move on.

 

Lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

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what woman on the planet goes more than 5 mins without checking their phone?
 



One that just got a text from her husband who really needed an answer right away.

My wife is always sending me a text saying something like...

Her: "Can you pick up some creamer for my coffee? I'm out. "

(2 seconds later)

Me: "Ok. I'm at the store now. What flavor do you want?"

(5 minutes later)

Me: ???

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hello?

(5 minutes later)

I try calling 3 times.

Me: "I'm ready to checkout. You're not answering your phone."

(Finally I grab French Vanilla and checkout. I'm halfway home and then 30 minutes after her text...)

Her: "Sorry. Peppermint Mocha."

Me: "Too late now. I got you something else."

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2 hours ago, PhillyD said:

From the fluent Trixie speaking wife.  I may have a lot more of these since wife is on Zoom a lot now and she feels like she has to yell into the screen so people can hear her on the internet,

"Have you ever tried talking to him?  You can barely get a word in inchwise!"

 

Uphauling.

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2 hours ago, Modessit said:


 

 


One that just got a text from her husband who really needed an answer right away.

My wife is always sending me a text saying something like...

Her: "Can you pick up some creamer for my coffee? I'm out. "

(2 seconds later)

Me: "Ok. I'm at the store now. What flavor do you want?"

(5 minutes later)

Me: ???

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hello?

(5 minutes later)

I try calling 3 times.

Me: "I'm ready to checkout. You're not answering your phone."

(Finally I grab French Vanilla and checkout. I'm halfway home and then 30 minutes after her text...)

Her: "Sorry. Peppermint Mocha."

Me: "Too late now. I got you something else."

 

oh yeah count me in that shit.  it usually ends in "too late, I'm already gone"

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One that just got a text from her husband who really needed an answer right away.

My wife is always sending me a text saying something like...

Her: "Can you pick up some creamer for my coffee? I'm out. "

(2 seconds later)

Me: "Ok. I'm at the store now. What flavor do you want?"

(5 minutes later)

Me: ???

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hello?

(5 minutes later)

I try calling 3 times.

Me: "I'm ready to checkout. You're not answering your phone."

(Finally I grab French Vanilla and checkout. I'm halfway home and then 30 minutes after her text...)

Her: "Sorry. Peppermint Mocha."

Me: "Too late now. I got you something else."

Only problem with this is the too late part comes after the first text back.

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10 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

My wife went from "everything's fine, this is just a minor inconvenience"  to "we're all gonna die" in just 12 hours.  Fun times.

Easy to explain. You've probably walked her thru all the issues/concerns and told her "we're good, we'll deal with it".

Then she picked up her phone and went full Facebook retard. I told my wife to stop reading texts/facebook posts from  her panicky friends.

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10 hours ago, Modessit said:


 

 


One that just got a text from her husband who really needed an answer right away.

My wife is always sending me a text saying something like...

Her: "Can you pick up some creamer for my coffee? I'm out. "

(2 seconds later)

Me: "Ok. I'm at the store now. What flavor do you want?"

(5 minutes later)

Me: ???

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hello?

(5 minutes later)

I try calling 3 times.

Me: "I'm ready to checkout. You're not answering your phone."

(Finally I grab French Vanilla and checkout. I'm halfway home and then 30 minutes after her text...)

Her: "Sorry. Peppermint Mocha."

Me: "Too late now. I got you something else."

 

Wife:  Are you still at the store?

Me (once I get in my truck to head home):  Nope, heading home.

 

If it ain't on the list, then I'm not buying it.

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10 hours ago, Modessit said:


 

 


One that just got a text from her husband who really needed an answer right away.

My wife is always sending me a text saying something like...

Her: "Can you pick up some creamer for my coffee? I'm out. "

(2 seconds later)

Me: "Ok. I'm at the store now. What flavor do you want?"

(5 minutes later)

Me: ???

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hello?

(5 minutes later)

I try calling 3 times.

Me: "I'm ready to checkout. You're not answering your phone."

(Finally I grab French Vanilla and checkout. I'm halfway home and then 30 minutes after her text...)

Her: "Sorry. Peppermint Mocha."

Me: "Too late now. I got you something else."

 

Yes.  Yes, yes, yes.

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Wife:  Are you still at the store?
Me (once I get in my truck to head home):  Nope, heading home.
 
If it ain't on the list, then I'm not buying it.

Solid advice right here.

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Not my wife but worth a mention.  
 
My wife’s old college roommate (no pics) lives about 2 blocks away from us.  She texts my wife that she’s at the grocery store and asks if we need anything as it’s pretty well stocked.  We immediately listed off a few essentials that we’re running short on.  Very nice of her to think of us while she’s out.  
 
30 minutes later we get another text apologizing that she had put her phone in her pocket (forgot she had texted us), finished her shopping, and was already back home.  No big deal - I can go to the store but still a head scratcher.   

I was considering caring until I saw the ‘no pics’....

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11 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

She took the outer box off, threw it in the back yard, then left the inner box on the table

lulz

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Me: I'm not terribly worried about us losing our jobs, but there's a lot of uncertainty right now so anything's possible.  Plus with a baby on the way, we need to be smart with our money...spend wisely, no frivolous purchases, etc.

Her: I completely understand.

...

Her: After my car is paid off this year, I think I'm gonna trade it in for a Range Rover.

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6 minutes ago, SuperSport said:

Me: I'm not terribly worried about us losing our jobs, but there's a lot of uncertainty right now so anything's possible.  Plus with a baby on the way, we need to be smart with our money...spend wisely, no frivolous purchases, etc.

Her: I completely understand.

...

Her: After my car is paid off this year, I think I'm gonna trade it in for a Range Rover.

Similar conversation last night:

"I'm ordering dog food from Amazon. Need anything and keep in mind we need to be careful on what we spend"

"Can we get those dog treats (that cost $45 for an 8oz bag)?"

"I'll just buy him a steak, it's cheaper"

Tone.

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Me: I'm not terribly worried about us losing our jobs, but there's a lot of uncertainty right now so anything's possible.  Plus with a baby on the way, we need to be smart with our money...spend wisely, no frivolous purchases, etc.
Her: I completely understand.
...
Her: After my car is paid off this year, I think I'm gonna trade it in for a Range Rover.

Awesome. So what color is she getting?

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57 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


Awesome. So what color is she getting?

Sigh...two-tone black/white, probably with a light interior so it can show as much dirt and baby puke as possible.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, SuperSport said:

Me: I'm not terribly worried about us losing our jobs, but there's a lot of uncertainty right now so anything's possible.  Plus with a baby on the way, we need to be smart with our money...spend wisely, no frivolous purchases, etc.

Her: I completely understand.

...

Her: After my car is paid off this year, I think I'm gonna trade it in for a Range Rover.

Way to stimulate the economy. Nothing says “I support my local mechanic” like a British car. Unless maybe an Italian or French car. 

Edited by nnm

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1 hour ago, SuperSport said:

Me: I'm not terribly worried about us losing our jobs, but there's a lot of uncertainty right now so anything's possible.  Plus with a baby on the way, we need to be smart with our money...spend wisely, no frivolous purchases, etc.

Her: I completely understand.

...

Her: After my car is paid off this year, I think I'm gonna trade it in for a Range Rover.

 

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I went to Costco yesterday and got stuff we needed. Also got some jeans and shorts that looked appealing. But you never know with Costco until you get home and try them on. Turns out they fit so I’m gonna go back and get a couple more of each before they are gone forever.

 

Her: nice long lecture on going to Costco and how she’s worried about me leaving the house so much.

 

(I’ve been to Costco once. I go to the office for sanity but I am always the only one there)

 

Me: ....

 

Text received at the office an hour later: If you do go to Costco can you pick up some xyz and abc?

 

 

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15 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Text received at the office an hour later: If you do go to Costco can you pick up some xyz and abc?

She has her priorities. Gotta respect that. Whatever she needs > your health

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One that just got a text from her husband who really needed an answer right away.

My wife is always sending me a text saying something like...

Her: "Can you pick up some creamer for my coffee? I'm out. "

(2 seconds later)

Me: "Ok. I'm at the store now. What flavor do you want?"

(5 minutes later)

Me: ???

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hello?

(5 minutes later)

I try calling 3 times.

Me: "I'm ready to checkout. You're not answering your phone."

(Finally I grab French Vanilla and checkout. I'm halfway home and then 30 minutes after her text...)

Her: "Sorry. Peppermint Mocha."

Me: "Too late now. I got you something else."


I would accuse you of fucking my wife, but she doesn’t drink coffee.

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1 hour ago, SuperSport said:

Sigh...two-tone black/white, probably with a light interior so it can show as much dirt and baby puke as possible.

Too bad. Those are the ones with the uncomfortable ride and electrical gremlins.  Poor luck, that. 

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I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

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1 hour ago, nnm said:

Way to stimulate the economy. Nothing says “I support my local mechanic” like a British car. Unless maybe an Italian or French car. 

No shit. I turn my own wrenches, but I'm a GM acolyte where everything works the same and parts are cheap/available. Price tag is one thing, but Euro maintenance costs scare the fuck out of me. And if you have to ask, blah blah blah...

28 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Too bad. Those are the ones with the uncomfortable ride and electrical gremlins.  Poor luck, that. 

Feel free to tell her, I'm sure she'll change her mind. I'll be here holding my breath.

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20 minutes ago, wd40 said:

I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

Seems like an awful lot of rules just to get some shit from the store.

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53 minutes ago, dingleberryswitzer said:

Sort of minor, but someone in my house put an air freshener right next to an open window.  Y'all guess who that was.

Is she trying to make the outside smell better?

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Me: sooo dropping off my laundry with a friend because I dont have in hous e washer dryer and I dont want the Rona.

Her: Having someone else do your laundry is a red flag to me.

Me: That is a dumb ass train of thought. 

Me: still single in the pandemic 

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3 hours ago, dingleberryswitzer said:

Sort of minor, but someone in my house put an air freshener right next to an open window.  Y'all guess who that was.

She has just moved the air freshener outside to our patio because the smell was too strong inside.

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Near an open window I could kind of understand because the fresh air might blow through it. But outside is just fantastic.

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18 hours ago, luke duke said:

 


I would accuse you of fucking my wife

 

She's a wife.  Either she's not fucking anyone or she's simply not fucking you.

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20 hours ago, wd40 said:

I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

Agreed. call for immediate response.  Texting/email is for whenever I feel like it.

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Not sure where to put this, but I just got my wife pretty good.

She had just posted a picture on Facebook of our youngest, on our bed, doing a Google Meet with some of his classmates.   The majority of her current FB friends are other teachers in the district and childhood friends from TN.  When she wasn't looking, I put a bottle of lube and a condom on the night stand, behind where my son was working.  I then hurried into the bedroom to let her know that the picture is great - especially with the lube and condom on the background.  She immediately looks at the night stand and sees the goods.  You should have heard her yell.  It was awesome. 

 

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Well we don’t have a Wives about to murder thread so I’ll just put this here. 
 

wife came in and asked me where the duct tape is. I answer and go about my business. 
10 minutes later I hear something going on in living room. Go in to look. She’s got trash bags laid out and is taping them together. 
 

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom. It was nice knowing you assholes. 

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21 minutes ago, UT_OB1 said:

Well we don’t have a Wives about to murder thread so I’ll just put this here. 
 

wife came in and asked me where the duct tape is. I answer and go about my business. 
10 minutes later I hear something going on in living room. Go in to look. She’s got trash bags laid out and is taping them together. 
 

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom. It was nice knowing you assholes. 

Get yourself a handle of peanut butter whisky and keep us updated. 

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27 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Pintrest Body bags

She is claiming it will be a water bag or slide, but I’m pretty sure you’re correct about it’s final use. 

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30 minutes ago, UT_OB1 said:

She is claiming it will be a water bag or slide, but I’m pretty sure you’re correct about it’s final use. 

Honey?  Where do we keep the lye?  

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Our house is on the side of a hill and has doors on the first and second floors to the outside. I told the wife I had an interview at 9:30 so please don't come down to the first floor till I tell you I'm done. She says no problem, and tells me to lock the door from the second to first floor to make sure the kids don't come downstairs.

9:50 she's unlocking the front door to come in to get something.

 

 

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